In regards to the first I Can't Make This Shit Up... blog entry, I choose to share with you an afterthought.
I have no idea whether or not my law firm does mandatory, voluntary, random, or ANY drug testing of its employees. I don't believe it does, but if for some reason I find myself staring down the barrel of a 6 oz. plastic cup in a bathroom stall, I pray that the brutal attack by poppy seeds my coworker decided to unleash on me, does not make me test positive for opiates. That would suck.
- Elyssa
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
We all Have 1:47 to Spare
Just saw this posted on the website of the one and only, Sara Bareilles. It is EXACTLY what I believe in, overwhelmingly inspiring, and at the end of the day, sort of the point of all my ramblings. Please check it out if I actually posted the link correctly. If not, find this clip at its homepage of http://www.greenforall.org/ .
- Elyssa
I Can't Make This Shit Up... Actually, I Could, Because I am Supremely Creative
Thanks to my friend, Ryann, for the title idea. This is going to become a regular segment of the blog in which I discuss slightly insane things people either did, made me do, or said in my presence. It should be a blast!
Working in an office automatically comes with the stipulation that one's office will have some sort of breakroom or kitchen area. The law firm I work at is no exception. We actually have TWO kitchens, but I have never seen a single soul enter the kitchen in the back of the office except to fill up his or her water glass. Which begs the question - why not move the water bottle unit into the main kitchen? I might have to start a campaign.
Despite neatly-typed signs posted all over the kitchen saying things like "your mom couldn't come to work today, so clean up after yourself" and "you will be drawn and quartered if you leave one crumb on the table or one knife in the sink" (guess which one I made up!) people throw their crap everywhere with little to no regard over the fact that I am the one required to clean and organize this mess.
I never considered myself a neat freak, but after a week of working in these conditions, Mr. Clean should be nervous about the status of his endorsement deal. Here we come to the point of my story...
Since I rarely partake in the food and utensils offered in the kitchen, I want little to do with their cleanup. I understand that it is part of my job description, but it's just not FAIR! (Said in a voice comparable to the most annoying child you have ever heard at a fancy restaurant on a Saturday night at 9pm.) Okay, I lied. Here is the real point of my story...
While I was at lunch on Wednesday, one of the secretaries covered the phones at my desk, as is typical protocol. She apparently decided to enjoy a poppy bagel with cream cheese during her coverage. Not only did I find poppy seeds in everything from my computer keyboard to my pen caps, I also had to smell its remnants in the garbage can next to my desk. When one of the lawyers approached me asking me to dig through said garbage can to locate an envelope one of his pleadings (a fancy term for a generic legal document) arrived in, I thought I was going to vomit poppy seeds. As I carefully dug through the garbage in a desperate search for this envelope amongst fifty other similarly-colored envelopes, I thought to myself - "why did I take this job again?" Then I remembered - MONEY.
- Elyssa
Working in an office automatically comes with the stipulation that one's office will have some sort of breakroom or kitchen area. The law firm I work at is no exception. We actually have TWO kitchens, but I have never seen a single soul enter the kitchen in the back of the office except to fill up his or her water glass. Which begs the question - why not move the water bottle unit into the main kitchen? I might have to start a campaign.
Despite neatly-typed signs posted all over the kitchen saying things like "your mom couldn't come to work today, so clean up after yourself" and "you will be drawn and quartered if you leave one crumb on the table or one knife in the sink" (guess which one I made up!) people throw their crap everywhere with little to no regard over the fact that I am the one required to clean and organize this mess.
I never considered myself a neat freak, but after a week of working in these conditions, Mr. Clean should be nervous about the status of his endorsement deal. Here we come to the point of my story...
Since I rarely partake in the food and utensils offered in the kitchen, I want little to do with their cleanup. I understand that it is part of my job description, but it's just not FAIR! (Said in a voice comparable to the most annoying child you have ever heard at a fancy restaurant on a Saturday night at 9pm.) Okay, I lied. Here is the real point of my story...
While I was at lunch on Wednesday, one of the secretaries covered the phones at my desk, as is typical protocol. She apparently decided to enjoy a poppy bagel with cream cheese during her coverage. Not only did I find poppy seeds in everything from my computer keyboard to my pen caps, I also had to smell its remnants in the garbage can next to my desk. When one of the lawyers approached me asking me to dig through said garbage can to locate an envelope one of his pleadings (a fancy term for a generic legal document) arrived in, I thought I was going to vomit poppy seeds. As I carefully dug through the garbage in a desperate search for this envelope amongst fifty other similarly-colored envelopes, I thought to myself - "why did I take this job again?" Then I remembered - MONEY.
- Elyssa
Introductory Email - Early on Saturday 08.29.09
This is the exact, word-for-word, copy and paste it email that I sent to all my Hotmail contacts promoting the start of this blog. I found it amusing, and thought you may, as well...
Well, hello -
Let me begin by saying that I just saw The Time Traveler's Wife and it was amazing. I feel as if some of you may have said otherwise, and this makes me very upset because I know you are wrong, and don't want you to be upset over your wrongdoing. Anyhow - I began my first week of work at the law firm Monday.
Question: What does one do when most of the lawyers are on vacation and she has far too much time on her hands?
A) Ask around the office to see if there is work to be done.
B) Obsessively clean the Keurig coffee maker because it is the coolest gadget she has seen since her new Lexmark printer.
C) Read Michael Jackson tribute magazines from July.
D) Start a blog!
While all of the above is applicable, we are going to choose answer D.
I, indeed, have started a blog about stepping into the uncomfortable, non-sneaker-type shoes of a law firm receptionist. I will not hound you every week with a reminder email, unless of course, you beg me for it. Just promise to check it out and let me know what you think. I will do my best to let you know what I think of what you thought about what I thought.
Enjoy! http://swhftmblog.blogspot.com/
Best wishes to all,
Elyssa
Well, hello -
Let me begin by saying that I just saw The Time Traveler's Wife and it was amazing. I feel as if some of you may have said otherwise, and this makes me very upset because I know you are wrong, and don't want you to be upset over your wrongdoing. Anyhow - I began my first week of work at the law firm Monday.
Question: What does one do when most of the lawyers are on vacation and she has far too much time on her hands?
A) Ask around the office to see if there is work to be done.
B) Obsessively clean the Keurig coffee maker because it is the coolest gadget she has seen since her new Lexmark printer.
C) Read Michael Jackson tribute magazines from July.
D) Start a blog!
While all of the above is applicable, we are going to choose answer D.
I, indeed, have started a blog about stepping into the uncomfortable, non-sneaker-type shoes of a law firm receptionist. I will not hound you every week with a reminder email, unless of course, you beg me for it. Just promise to check it out and let me know what you think. I will do my best to let you know what I think of what you thought about what I thought.
Enjoy! http://swhftmblog.blogspot.com/
Best wishes to all,
Elyssa
Friday, August 28, 2009
Five Things Learned During My First Week of Work – Fri. 08.28.09
(Note: I began Monday working as a receptionist in a law firm. Those who know me personally would never have guessed. I love it thus far, also surprising to those who know me well. The following “life lessons” are in no particular order.)
1. I can speak to strangers on the phone with ease. Back in my formative years, I would feel tremendous anxiety over ordering from Domino’s, but have now established an over-the-phone rapport with everyone from Joe, TGI copy machine man, to very successful attorneys from equally-as-successful law firms. (Note: Joe has not taken us ignoring his emails and sidestepping his phone calls as a sign that we do not require his services. I’ll make him aware. Just give me time.)
2. “Bagel Fridays” are not the enemy. I can walk back and forth past that heaping stack of bagels all day long, have lunch right next to them, breathe in their collective aroma like spray paint in a bag, and be perfectly content with my Weight Watchers yogurt and cucumber slices. This may change…updates to follow.
3. ESPN.com is the greatest website around, second only to youporn.com. The musings of DJ Gallo, Rick Reilly, and my true soul mate – Bill Simmons – are enough stimuli to pass even the slowest of hours. I truly believe that all three of these brilliant men will see this piece of writing as nothing short of a tribute. I also truly believe that all three of these brilliant men will never, ever see this piece of writing.
4. Signing electronically for FedEx/UPS/United Lawyers Service packages is wicked awesome. Nothing more to say here, except that USPS needs to get with the program. If I get even ONE paper cut from signing a non-electronic receipt, I will sue faster than the McDonald’s coffee lady.
5. In summation, a bit of sentimentality. When life gives you lemons, check to see how many points they are on Weight Watchers. But in all seriousness, I never thought I would be where I am at this stage in my life. After sizing up the economy and the trials and tribulations of my friends however, I am certainly grateful to be anywhere at all. I have little idea as to what the future holds, but I can honestly say that I am ready for whatever may come my way. I owe much of this optimism to all of you.
- Elyssa
(Last note for now: This is going to be a weekly thing provided I have the time and the material. Soak it in. Generate buzz. Make me rich so I can quit my job, build a mansion in my hometown, and pull lying shit out of my ass to write about in The New Yorker or Rolling Stone. Too much cursing in that last sentence? Thoughts?)
1. I can speak to strangers on the phone with ease. Back in my formative years, I would feel tremendous anxiety over ordering from Domino’s, but have now established an over-the-phone rapport with everyone from Joe, TGI copy machine man, to very successful attorneys from equally-as-successful law firms. (Note: Joe has not taken us ignoring his emails and sidestepping his phone calls as a sign that we do not require his services. I’ll make him aware. Just give me time.)
2. “Bagel Fridays” are not the enemy. I can walk back and forth past that heaping stack of bagels all day long, have lunch right next to them, breathe in their collective aroma like spray paint in a bag, and be perfectly content with my Weight Watchers yogurt and cucumber slices. This may change…updates to follow.
3. ESPN.com is the greatest website around, second only to youporn.com. The musings of DJ Gallo, Rick Reilly, and my true soul mate – Bill Simmons – are enough stimuli to pass even the slowest of hours. I truly believe that all three of these brilliant men will see this piece of writing as nothing short of a tribute. I also truly believe that all three of these brilliant men will never, ever see this piece of writing.
4. Signing electronically for FedEx/UPS/United Lawyers Service packages is wicked awesome. Nothing more to say here, except that USPS needs to get with the program. If I get even ONE paper cut from signing a non-electronic receipt, I will sue faster than the McDonald’s coffee lady.
5. In summation, a bit of sentimentality. When life gives you lemons, check to see how many points they are on Weight Watchers. But in all seriousness, I never thought I would be where I am at this stage in my life. After sizing up the economy and the trials and tribulations of my friends however, I am certainly grateful to be anywhere at all. I have little idea as to what the future holds, but I can honestly say that I am ready for whatever may come my way. I owe much of this optimism to all of you.
- Elyssa
(Last note for now: This is going to be a weekly thing provided I have the time and the material. Soak it in. Generate buzz. Make me rich so I can quit my job, build a mansion in my hometown, and pull lying shit out of my ass to write about in The New Yorker or Rolling Stone. Too much cursing in that last sentence? Thoughts?)
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